ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
