matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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