I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
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Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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