note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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