oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
