no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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