I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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