it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
