I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
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My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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