yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
