Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
