Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
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do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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