Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
are you so shy because you have an std?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
