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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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