Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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