I am puke
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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