The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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