can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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