please come you make the beer taste better
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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