just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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