on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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