Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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