Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
