i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
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I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize