Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
