if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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