so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Randomize
