I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
