Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
