The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
