I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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