I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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