I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
