A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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