I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
