got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
