I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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