Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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