a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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