I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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