Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
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You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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