my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
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Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
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Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.