Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
