moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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