You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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