Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
