I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
