Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
