I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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