Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
