I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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