i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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