problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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