if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
