what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
