you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
