i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
