im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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