I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
